The "M" Word

As many of you know, Clay and I experienced a great heartbreak last week. And for those of you who don't know, well, you are about to find out. I've decided to level the "playing field" so to speak and share my story with all of you. We have told family, I sent an email out to close friends, and Clay has shared with a few of his buddies too. We decided people talk...not necessarily gossip, but they ask about mutual friends and acquaintances. Its just too much to remember who knows what. And for those of you who do know our situation, its not fair that you should wonder whether you can share or not. Plus, my life has always been an open book. I think it's part of who I am. Sharing and talking is part of healing for me. So here it goes, another chapter in my life ( a very abbreviated version of the event itself)...


Clay and I blissfully found out in November that we were expecting a baby in August 2009. During the start of the pregnancy, I fought terrible nausea and fatigue. But, somehow even with all of those symptoms something felt amiss. I had a nagging feeling that this pregnancy wasn't right. At 10 1/2 weeks I noticed some faint brown spotting and by 11 weeks, I was at the doctor. After an ultrasound and exam, it was determined I had lost the baby. I was in the midst of a miscarriage, but my body was not completing the job--yes the dreaded "M" word. On Monday of this past week, I went into hospital for a D&C to complete the miscarriage.


The Friday of the ultrasound, the weekend that preceded the surgery, and the D & C were very emotionally hard days for me. Well, hard would be an understatement. They were agonizing. I sobbed like I never have before. I hurt so deep down inside that I didn't think it would EVER go away. There is no other way to describe it except, I was just plain sad and dreadfully empty feeling. I questioned everything and, unfortunately, found no answers.


It has now been 9 days since we got the sorrowful news. The news that there wasn't going to be a summer baby and Jack wasn't going to be a big brother right now and that it wasn't time for us to be a family of 4. I'm finished with the why's, when's, how's and what now?. I'm finished blaming myself and that part actually feels good. It is what is it is...as harsh as that may sound. As my Grandma said, "you have to put your motherhood in God's hands" and that is just what I have done. That doesn't mean that I don't still mourn and grieve the loss of the baby that I will never meet. It just means that I have to let go of the pain and let God hold me in his arms for a while, as hard as that is to do right now. 'I'm not alone' my Mom reminded me over and over again, "God is there". Words of wisdom that I repeat to myself daily.


With my faith in tow, I no longer have bad days. But, please don't get me wrong, I STILL HAVE very bad moments. Moments where I realize, "oh yea, I'm not pregnant'--I can drink that caffeine, I can lift that box, we can go on that vacation now, or I don't need to worry about Jack's big boy room this minute. And then there are those moments where I spot a newborn baby or see an expecting mother and think 'that is suppose to be me'. And in these moments, I still cry. They are more like silent tears that stream down my face and then I get that lump that forms deep down in my throat. Thankfully, no more sobbing though. I say a little prayer, squeeze my baby Jack when he is around, and try to pass through the moment. Sometimes it's easier said than done.


I know time will heal..it's only been 9 days, right? But, somehow I feel like I should be farther along in the grieving process. Life goes on, so they say. But, it still hurts--really bad. Luckily for me, I have Jack. He reminds daily that, "the show must go on". And with one little smile from him, I CAN go on. God sure knew what he was doing when he blessed Clay and I with that little one.

On a positive note (if there is one), I have already gained so much from this experience in just 9 short days. I have found a new empathy for women and families who experience this type of loss, I have found a new gratefulness for my beautiful son and my loving husband, and my faith has grown by leaps and bounds. As crazy at it may sound, I actually thanked God for this experience recently. It's going to be something that makes me who I am, the mother, the wife, and the friend that I will be from here on out. I think life experiences are important and unfortunately, they are not all easy. I'm learning that the hard way.

So, on that note, please forgive me for such a solemn blog post. But, like I mentioned earlier sharing is part of my healing. Thank you for being a part of my healing process and maybe things will only go up from here.