The Cibula's: January 2009

Friday, January 30, 2009

Friday Randoms

Instead of talking about the dreaded "M" word, I thought I would share a few randoms that have been going on at the Cibula Household...

Jack and I stayed home ALL DAY on Monday--it's been a loooong time since we did that.
I did 6 loads of laundry this week and I used this in Jack's loads...

Wow! Does that stuff work! His whites are whiter and his colors are brighter. I know I sound like a commercial, but I'm really impressed. Seriously, if you don't already use this in your tot's laundry--it's time to start! I got a totally strawberry stained white tee looking brand new. Amazing I tell you!

Jack got a diced carrot stuck up his nose at dinner on Tuesday night. This Mommy does not lie. We were on the verge of getting the tweezers out when Jack miraculously blew it out. Ahhh...the joy of a boy! Haven't I said that more than once? And this probably won't be the last.

We've had one of those napping weeks--Jack has played/read books in his crib for close to 45min every day before actually falling asleep. Another phase, I suppose. I'm sure next week he will be back to snoozing like usual. I can say that with confidence because we've gone through this stage before (not to metnion, he is WAY too young to be dropping his nap). Did you hear that napping Gods??

I was so bummed this week, Desperate Housewives is taking a 3 week hiatus. There goes my Sunday night ritual.

I haven't cried once this week--yea for me!

J Crew is having a fabulous sale--30% off their already sale prices. I did a little retail therapy on Wednesday.

Up, Up, Up we go today. We are catching a flight to Florida for a little family therapy and to celebrate at Clay's brother's 40th birthday party. Abby, the nanny, is doubling as a dog sitter. And to clarify, yes, J is going with us. This was a very last minute decision, but it should be fun. I hope to come home with lots of happy pictures.

Well, I better get some last minute odds and ends done before we head to the airport. Happy Weekend to all!

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I'm Doing Good

I really struggled with a lot of emotions last week, as you can plainly see from my last blog posting. So on Sunday afternoon, I spoke with someone at my church. I just had to do it, I had to find out what God's take was on all of this, and most importantly what happened to my little one. The idea of not knowing how long the baby did make it left me with so many unanswered questions. And thankfully, I found the answer right where I knew I would.

Catherine was her name, and like so many of us, she too had a miscarriage. Hers was about a year ago, but she knew EXACTLY what I was feeling. She is a member of the Elizabeth Ministry. A ministry that was developed just for the struggles and joys of motherhood. And boy, don't we all know how many of those there are! She was amazing and just what I needed.

She let me tell my story through teary eyes and her compassion was incredible. We prayed together and talked a lot. And even before I could ask the burning question she gave me the answer I needed..."your little one, no matter how far along it developed, went straight to heaven with an untarnished soul." And just like that, I felt a sense of peace, relief and even a bit of joy. She followed with "those are words straight from our Monsignor's lips".

Wow, our baby's beautiful soul made it to heaven! And I don't have to care how far along I was or when the pregnancy failed, regardless of any of that, Clay and I made an untarnished soul and it is now in heaven. I know Clay and I have many more years on this Earth (God willing), but just think what we have waiting for us in heaven. I mean really think about it... what a beautiful and amazing surprise we get to meet one day!

As we were parting, Catherine gave me this touching miscarriage prayer to take with me. I have read it every night since I got it and each time it brings me just a bit more peace in my heart.

Last week if you had asked me, 'how I was doing?', I would have said 'okay'. This week I can honestly say, 'I'm doing good", "not great, but still good". Good is a nice place to be right now. And now I know, without a doubt, my little one is in an even a nicer place...and that feels really good!

Miscarriage Poem

Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

- Mother M. Angelica

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Week Two, Who Knew?

Who knew Week Two would be so hard? This is the week that we were going to return to our "normal" schedule and do things like we "normally" do. Maybe that is what made it so hard. We followed our regular routine...off day on Monday, library & music on Tuesday, Abby the nanny on Wednesday, gym class on Thursday, and school on Friday. Clay went back to his "normal" working hours and returned to traveling and I did the "normal" housework that usually consumes my weeks. Jack even exemplified excellent behavior because things were "normal" again. But somehow nothing felt "normal" to me. I still had moments...and lots of them. I know you're probably thinking it's only been two weeks and, I promise, I tried to tell myself that. But, I was really hoping that getting back on schedule would make me feel like the old me again and it did...partially. But, it seems to be that down time that gets me. You know when Jack takes his nap, or when Cosby and I are alone on a walk, or right before bed. I think about it all over again, I replay every waking moment of that day when I found out, and then I think about what could have been and what will be. It's all "normal" is what everyone tells me, but I'm REALLY ready for my "normal". I'm ready to be able to look back on this time in my life, instead of living it. I realize that day will come in time and like I've said before I WILL get through this. I've just got to be patient and let my mind run through the gamut of emotions that it wants to. But, wow, it is just so hard sometimes!

And here I go again, taking advantage of a captive audience and I know you've got to be tired of reading about this and, trust me, I'm tired of writing about it. But, unfortunately, it is my "normal" right now. All I can hope for is that Week Three will be more of the real me and the me that I'm learning to be from this situation. Until then, I'll continue to do what I do to get me through...lots of praying and loving my sweet baby Jack and my wonderful husband. Hopefully this will be the last time that I need to 'talk' on the blog. And if not, well, we'll just cross that bridge when we get there. One day at a time, right?

And on a happier note, we REALLY did have some good times this week. Jack makes me smile all the time with his new phrases and signs of affection. Have I ever mentioned that I LOVE that baby boy? Our week was full of laughs, friends and fun--that part of the week was great! But, Thursday was the REALLY great day for Jack. He was absolutely star struck when he got the opportunity to meet his favorite Sesame Street character, Elmo, at a local toy store. (Thanks Erin for giving us the info on Elmo's appearance) Upon his initial meeting, Jack gave Elmo a little one finger touch as if to say, "is that really you?". That was followed by a stare down from about 5 steps away, and then finally a real hug for his furry friend. Of course, I had given up on the hug by this point and put the camera away. However, the visit was worth every minute and Jack loved telling Daddy about it at the dinner table that night. I've even been stalking the Sesame Street Live website looking for a show to come to town. Please let us be the first to know if you hear of one! For the meantime that experience was 'just perfect' in Jack's eyes. And these days it makes me happy just knowing Jack is happy...thank God for these moments!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Serious Salon Jack

I've waited for this day since Jack started getting his little sprouts of hair back in October. However, I never dreamed it would come this fast. It took us sooo long just to get those few golden locks, I was expecting the need for a haircut to take just as long. But, before my very eyes, Jack started growing a mullet and blonde sideburns in the past three months. What a lucky Momma I am! I told Jack all about the BIG HAIRCUT on Sunday night and then again Monday morning and how exciting it was going to be...'you're getting a big boy haircut'. It didn't phase him a bit. I thought his attitude about the big "First" would change when we arrived at Pigtails and Crewcuts...still nothing. I mean come on kiddo, this is a BIG deal. Apparently the first haircut is only a big deal for a first time Mommy. With camera in hand I took, oh, I'd say about 30 pictures of the event. Do you think I got so much as a smile?..no such luck. Jack sat there as still as a statue ( and that is no exaggeration) with the most pensive look on his face. I'm telling you the tot did not move. And when the trimming was complete, he ran right over to the train table in the waiting area, smiled and jabbered on to the fellow customers. Okay, so the BIG HAIRCUT was not his favorite activity, but wow, did he look handsome even if he was playing the role of "Serious Salon Jack".

The before picture...note the sideburns growing OVER the ear. And I swear he was getting a mullet too. It seems to be much more prevalent when he is sporting a turtle neck (which we have done often this frigid winter).

Jack chose the red fire truck after much serious debate.

See you later sideburns!

Serious Salon Jack at his best! He did not even change his facial expression when the clippers came out. I was expecting at least a whimper... but, nothing!

Okay, so I lied, he did move ONCE... and that was only because we told him to put his head down to clip the neck area. However, he froze in that position until well after it was over. We had to let him know, "its okay to look up now buddy".

TA DA! Doesn't he look handsome? Once the robot cape came off, Jack was ready to make his grand exit back to the train table.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What Gets Me Through...

are moments like this and....

*my family and friends--thank you all for the phone calls, emails, cards, flowers, and words of sympathy. You will never know what it has all meant to me. I truly have taken your advice and wisdom to heart.

*Jack--enough said

*Cosby--yes, my furry faithful friend. Somehow he just knows when I'm sad and in those cases he snuggles right up on me and beams his tender love. He hasn't let me down this past week. ( and yes, for those of you who know Cosby,...he DOES have tender love, even if it is only for me)

*rest--just when I'm at the point of physical and mental exhaustion, it always seems to be Jack's nap time--thank the Lord for an amazing sleeper.

*prayer & faith--I couldn't have made it this far without it.

*Desperate Housewives--On Sunday night, I can get lost in their problems and forget about my own...even if only for an hour.

*Chick-fil-a--I think I might be addicted. I've had a severe loss of appetite, but somehow I can ALWAYS eat chicken...yum!

*B 98.5--yes, that would be the Easy Listening radio station. I must admit that even before my tough time, I was a regular listener. Clay has sarcastically asked on more than one occasion, "how old are you?". I can't help it, it's just so, well, soothing.

* Being Outside--I realize it has been freezing around here and I do truly HATE cold weather, but something about the fresh air just seems to put me at ease. I think I'll always remember that about January from here on out. Especially when I'm counting down the days for it to be over.

*Talking--to myself, to Clay, to God, to you on this blog, it is all part of healing for me (and I'm getting there).

*Massage--I've solicited a couple from my husband in the last week, but I have a professional one scheduled for Wednesday. Ahhhh...I can't wait!

P.S. Excuse the HORRIBLE picture of me above. It seems that I have forgotten to care about my outside appearance, I've been working so hard on the inside. (And I have NO clue what is going on with that bang.) I just couldn't resist sharing that amazing group hug from Jack...it was just when I needed it the most...little boys are the best!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

The "M" Word

As many of you know, Clay and I experienced a great heartbreak last week. And for those of you who don't know, well, you are about to find out. I've decided to level the "playing field" so to speak and share my story with all of you. We have told family, I sent an email out to close friends, and Clay has shared with a few of his buddies too. We decided people talk...not necessarily gossip, but they ask about mutual friends and acquaintances. Its just too much to remember who knows what. And for those of you who do know our situation, its not fair that you should wonder whether you can share or not. Plus, my life has always been an open book. I think it's part of who I am. Sharing and talking is part of healing for me. So here it goes, another chapter in my life ( a very abbreviated version of the event itself)...

Clay and I blissfully found out in November that we were expecting a baby in August 2009. During the start of the pregnancy, I fought terrible nausea and fatigue. But, somehow even with all of those symptoms something felt amiss. I had a nagging feeling that this pregnancy wasn't right. At 10 1/2 weeks I noticed some faint brown spotting and by 11 weeks, I was at the doctor. After an ultrasound and exam, it was determined I had lost the baby. I was in the midst of a miscarriage, but my body was not completing the job--yes the dreaded "M" word. On Monday of this past week, I went into hospital for a D&C to complete the miscarriage.

The Friday of the ultrasound, the weekend that preceded the surgery, and the D & C were very emotionally hard days for me. Well, hard would be an understatement. They were agonizing. I sobbed like I never have before. I hurt so deep down inside that I didn't think it would EVER go away. There is no other way to describe it except, I was just plain sad and dreadfully empty feeling. I questioned everything and, unfortunately, found no answers.

It has now been 9 days since we got the sorrowful news. The news that there wasn't going to be a summer baby and Jack wasn't going to be a big brother right now and that it wasn't time for us to be a family of 4. I'm finished with the why's, when's, how's and what now?. I'm finished blaming myself and that part actually feels good. It is what is it is...as harsh as that may sound. As my Grandma said, "you have to put your motherhood in God's hands" and that is just what I have done. That doesn't mean that I don't still mourn and grieve the loss of the baby that I will never meet. It just means that I have to let go of the pain and let God hold me in his arms for a while, as hard as that is to do right now. 'I'm not alone' my Mom reminded me over and over again, "God is there". Words of wisdom that I repeat to myself daily.

With my faith in tow, I no longer have bad days. But, please don't get me wrong, I STILL HAVE very bad moments. Moments where I realize, "oh yea, I'm not pregnant'--I can drink that caffeine, I can lift that box, we can go on that vacation now, or I don't need to worry about Jack's big boy room this minute. And then there are those moments where I spot a newborn baby or see an expecting mother and think 'that is suppose to be me'. And in these moments, I still cry. They are more like silent tears that stream down my face and then I get that lump that forms deep down in my throat. Thankfully, no more sobbing though. I say a little prayer, squeeze my baby Jack when he is around, and try to pass through the moment. Sometimes it's easier said than done.

I know time will heal..it's only been 9 days, right? But, somehow I feel like I should be farther along in the grieving process. Life goes on, so they say. But, it still hurts--really bad. Luckily for me, I have Jack. He reminds daily that, "the show must go on". And with one little smile from him, I CAN go on. God sure knew what he was doing when he blessed Clay and I with that little one.

On a positive note (if there is one), I have already gained so much from this experience in just 9 short days. I have found a new empathy for women and families who experience this type of loss, I have found a new gratefulness for my beautiful son and my loving husband, and my faith has grown by leaps and bounds. As crazy at it may sound, I actually thanked God for this experience recently. It's going to be something that makes me who I am, the mother, the wife, and the friend that I will be from here on out. I think life experiences are important and unfortunately, they are not all easy. I'm learning that the hard way.

So, on that note, please forgive me for such a solemn blog post. But, like I mentioned earlier sharing is part of my healing. Thank you for being a part of my healing process and maybe things will only go up from here.