Guilty

Guilt...someone once told me, "it's the Cancer of motherhood", and I believe it. Lately, I just can't shake this intense guilt brewing inside of me. And most of it revolves around Maggie. My dear, sweet, precious, little Maggie. Oh, trust me, I have plenty for Jack, but lately it's been about Maggie.

I promised myself before she was born that I would do everything in my power to make sure she never felt like #2. And honestly, I have. We have help for the sole purpose of making sure my kids have alone time with me at least once a week. I've taken just as many pictures of her as I did of Jack, because everyone said I wouldn't. I've made sure to write a post on the blog once a month dedicated to just Maggie and her progress. I never make her nap in the car (like people say #2 "just has to do"). I still cook all her fresh veggies and meats for the week (no short cuts). And I've even made sure Maggie started music and gym classes at the same age Jack did. But I still feel so guilty.

I blame her still not crawling on me. I know it sounds ridiculous and I realize it even more so as I type it, but I really think my guilt has some merit. Take Monday for example, my poor Maggie wasn't on the ground until 4:00, after her afternoon nap. She woke up, went straight to her highchair for breakfast, from the highchair to the car to take Jack to school, out of the car to her crib for her a.m. nap, once up from nap, back to the car to pick Jack up from school, then to the highchair again for lunch, then back to her crib for her afternoon nap. It wasn't until after her afternoon nap that she actually made it to the floor. No wonder the baby isn't crawling--she never has a chance to! I hate this for her.

Oh and then there is the never ending guilt about her severe separation anxiety. People say it's the babies with the stay at home Moms. Hmmm...I don't know about that. I was with Jack 24 hours a day and he never displayed separation anxiety. Now Maggie on the other hand is constantly being passed off from me to her Daddy, from me to the stroller, from me to the nanny, from me to a family member, geez, from me to the nearest person I can find. It always seems that Jack needs something or I just need my hands and guess what? There goes Maggie again...always on the back burner. So unfair! I feel like she doesn't know which end is up and no wonder she cries--who knows if I'm coming back--half the time I don't.

As silly as it sounds, I fear she won't be as smart as Jack. That brilliant boy knew all his letters by 1 1/2 years old and all of his sounds and colors before he was 2. Was it because I had the time to sit with him, practice, and read to him nonstop, or is it because he was just that smart? If it's the latter, I can handle it. If it's because of my lack of time, I will never forgive myself. She deserves me and my time.

And this is why I think I'm done (as of today, that is). I have two kids who I adore beyond words, who I love to the ends of the Earth, and yet, I still don't feel like that is enough sometimes. How could I possibly spread myself among 3? I can only hope the two I do have always know how much they mean to me and how hard I pray for them every day. Boy, do I pray. Ironically, even with all the guilt that comes with motherhood, I feel so blessed--I can only wish that Jack and Maggie do to.

I hope one day I will read this post and laugh, because sweet Maggie turned out well adjusted and as perfect as she has the potential to be. And if she doesn't , well, I guess she can just blame me. What's a lifetime of guilt anyway?